Mediating Conflict,
Embracing Peace

Lessons Learned From Divorce Part 2: End The Fighting

You fought. Before getting divorced, you and your spouse likely lived separate lives under the same roof. It’s not uncommon for people to stay in failing relationships for years. You stay in the marriage because you don’t know what the future holds. People do this for many reasons. They don’t want to be alone, stay for the kids, or need their marriage’s financial security. 

Regardless, these people weren’t holding onto a relationship because they wanted to be with the other person. Even if one spouse is committed, the road ahead will be challenging. Unresolved issues can lead to fights and arguments. Think of a time when your spouse got very upset with you over something that was (seemingly) very minor. They were likely mad about something else because the emotion behind the anger was much more severe than the actual thing you were fighting about.

When You Can’t Walk Away

People can get divorced when their children are young. Despite getting divorced, you still have co-parent with this person. The challenge is that the fighting from your marriage bleeds over into your child custody case, into disagreements over asset distribution and spousal support. 

Do you want these interactions to continue? It is doubtful that you do because they are emotionally and physically draining. You need to make the conscious decision that you no longer want to be a part of the negative dialogues anymore

An Easy Win

We get it. You may have been at odds with your spouse for years. Turning it around seems impossible. As badly as you may want to have a mature, adult relationship, you don’t know how to get there. It may not be as hard as you think. 

Try this: The next time you see your spouse to pick up or drop off your children, ask them how the weather is. Like before, consider the emotion behind the question rather than the question itself. Of all the things you could have said or remarks you could have muttered, you chose to say something trivial yet inviting. 

When you stand there silently, your ex may try to guess what you are thinking. If you are coming off years of fighting, they will likely assume you’re thinking something negative. Take that element out of the equation. 

Are you going to win over your ex with that one question? Probably not. You didn’t get into this negative space quickly, so it will take time to get out of it. But by asking that straightforward question, you initiate a polite adult conversation. Allow the conversations to develop while you both heal.

Akiona Law, PLLC

We want to empower our clients. At Akiona Law, we are accustomed to being a small firm that delivers custom solutions and personalized attention to your case. For family law issues, contact the trust attorneys at Akiona Law, PLLC, at (425) 512-9161.